I
feel…desperate
I
rather be…any place would do.
I’m at work.
First of all Lord, I want to say I am sorry because I
lack appreciation for the great job you have given me. I just can’t see it. I do recognize that this is a time for growth
and maturity, but don’t you remember that I do a lousy growing job? I am slow and self-absorbed (I’m sure you
already knew that) and my understanding is equivalent to a teenager’s. Help me
Lord because it can get worst, I want to make it through. I want to make you
proud. With no
regrets. And thank you for my funny co-worker. It makes it a little
easier to share my misery with him. Amen.
Today is my babies’ birthday. They are officially four years old. I am about to leave to their school birthday “party”. I got them a cake and some candies for their
friends. They will also get a party at
church tonight. Yes, another cake and
more candy. It is not an easy job to be
a mom, but of course I have to make it seam effortless and pleasurable. Just like the job of being a wife.
Anyway, speaking about jobs, I need another
one. Because the one I currently have is
driving me to the mountain of depression, pass the jungle of despair, to the
home of insanity. I just can’t seem to
make my self work. I do what I most, but
nothing else. And the else is just accumulating
on my desk. You see, I have the perfect
situation for this to happen. My boss is
about 50 miles away at another office.
It may be three days before I hear anything from her or the rest of the
team. We don’t talk if we don’t have
to. This is fine. It is not like I miss them or anything. But our relationship has become insignificant
and unnecessary, which adds to the depressive atmosphere
that surrounds me. I am surrounded by meaningless numbers and invoices. In a cube smaller than my bathroom and an
office filled with empty cubes. The job isn’t bad, if you are an accountant.
The money is not bad either. I am just tired
of filling, mailing, copying, processing endless invoices. I think my job is as
exciting as transferring your last ten dollars from your savings to your
checking account, when you know you already have an overdraft of $150 in your
checking. I know it’s weird, but it
gives me the same feeling.
I keep thinking that if I actually worked and put
more attention to what I am doing, instead of writing or surfing the web, I
would probably enjoy it or endure it better. What if I treated this place like
an experiment? What if I became
dedicated and started coming in with high power suits? Work late, make lots of overtime? What if I
made this place the ultimate job? What if this job is God’s test ground where
He could see and decide, according to my performance, if I move forward to my
dream job? I wonder if this will be one
of those things I’ll find out in heaven?
I wonder….
I feel…sleepy, good
I rather be…out side, enjoying the sun
Yesterday
I went to church like every Wednesday night.
And like most nights my pastor gave a great message, titled: “Cleve until
it leaves” (clever I know) It was about David and one of his three strongest
and trust worthy warriors, Eleazar. In this part of the story (2 Samuel 23: 9 and 10)
But
my pastor continued (his point wasn’t the
Brad Pitt look-a-like guy with a sword) to explained that Eleazar was so acquainted with his sword that it was part
of him. It was his weapon, his friend,
his tool to achieve his goal. That he
probably took the time to polish it, oil it.
He probably slept with it next to him.
Carried it every where he went.
He got to know it, and depended on it for his life and the life of the
ones he was protecting. Something we should do with our spiritual and
life-saving weapon, the bible. It makes all the sense in the world to me. We claim to believe it to be the word of
God. We proclaim to live by it. We should be clinging to it for our lives. And just like Eleazar,
get to know it, learn how to use it, and cling to it for it will save our live.
The
point of the message was not only about how we need to build a better
relationship with this sword of two sharp edges, the bible, but that in our
times of troubles, sickness, and desperation, we should cling to it, hold on to
the promises in it until evil flees. And
it does. (I speak from experience)
Did you just hear God speak?
For
the people that ask me, how does God talk to you? Let me take the time to clear it out for you,
now that I’ve got your attention. TAKE
NOTE: In order for you to hear God’s voice you have to first of all, believe He
is God, just like you believe I am a person. Second, you have to believe he
wrote or inspired selected humans to write His will, His feelings, and
thoughts, the Bible. Just like you believe I was inspired to write the last two
paragraphs you read. And here is the
tough third part; you need to believe that he loves you so much since the
creation of the earth that he could not bare to stand and look at you while you
self destroyed away from him. So as a solution he send His only son, Jesus
Christ, as the ultimate sacrifice so you and Him could have a one-on-one
relationship again. Just like in the
Garden of Eden. (well,
without the jungle animals running around, and with clothing) there is more
detail to that. All
good stuff. But I’ll let you ask
me about it, or better yet get your bible and read all about it.
BY
THE WAY, Eleazar beat the crap out of the
Philistines. He won.!!!
Or like the great books says…”the Lord brought about a great victory that
day. The troops(the Israelites) returned to Eleazar, but
only to strip the dead. Like my friend
would say, Sweet!!
I feel…loved, rested, hopeful
I want to be…at the beach
Yesterday
Americans, together with the Johnson’s family, received the awful news that one
more citizen died in the hands of terrorists.
Is like living 9-11 all over again, but one person at a time. Executed, decapitated, slain, those are the
descriptions we get of their deaths.
When I hear these things I can only think of their last minutes. Knowing
that they are about to die. That they
are not going to see their families once again. I think of the pain they
suffer, and the uncertainty of a certain death in the hands of evil
strangers.
I
think of their families, their wives, their mothers, sisters, the children.
Their pain most be incredibly numbing. Knowing they
are so far away and can’t help their loved ones. Knowing that
the life of their father or husband is in the hands of ignorant people fighting
for power. They plead for mercy because they think these people have
hearts. But, terrorist don’t know what mercy is. They feed on fear. They are
trained to not care. They see human lives as weapons. Death is a tool to get
their point across. THEY DON’T CARE.
They
don’t care if he was a good father, they don’t care he was a loving
husband. They don’t care if he used to
call every night from where ever he was to see how you are doing and tell his
mom he was okay. They don’t care if he had the best barbecues on his block or
that he was a major fan of the Red Sox.
To the terrorist, to the Iraqis, and sadly enough, to the American
government they are just a casualty of war. No one is willing to negotiate to
save a life.
We
plead for mercy because we are not used to witnessing such things. We are not
trained like they are to kill or be killed in the name of our
believes. They truly believe that that is the purpose for their lives.
We are not, yet, desensitized to public abuse and murder. We’ve live under the
spell of working hard in the pursue of
“happiness”. We hold dreams of wealth,
health, and love dear to our hearts. And
we continue to spend our time and money in entertaining ourselves with
large budget movies and not real-reality shows.
We
are the greatest country in the world, but we live disconnected to it. And that
is the reason why they hate us. They envy us. And their hate is so strong that
they are willing to kill in any manner, way or time. Frightening, I know.
If
I would have a chance to speak, knowing that they were listening, I would not
ask for mercy. I would not speak to the
captors; I would speak to the prisoner.
I would tell him how much he is loved and missed. I would tell him we are praying for him. I would let him know how much he is
appreciated and remembered by all the lives he touched. And finally I would ask him to seek the face
of God in his agony. That He is
listening, and will stand with him until the end.
Prayer: Lord have
mercy. You died for us on
QUESTION
Will
there ever be peace? No. As my co-worker
says, “a peaceful and happy world would be boring.” That may be true in
the sense that there would not be much to do or fix or brake. But is our desire
to be entertained by troubles so costly to those who really need peace, not
only in the world but also in their personal lives? Isn’t it self shish to
think only of our view of the world while there are children being abused, and
families dying of starvation? Or are we
able to desire troubles to be entertained because what we call trouble is our
endless to-do lists and the at all time access devices that filled our lives
with meaning less time “saving” gadgets. It is all in the eye of the beholder,
I guess.
Prayer: Jesus help us escape
from our worst enemy, ourselves. Help us
to listen to good, help us recognized your gifts, your blessings that are all
around us. I ask for comfort for the Johnson’s family and for wisdom for our
government. In the
name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
I feel… good
I wish I was…home
My first actual entry in two months. Yeah!! I used to have another web journal, but the address
was too difficult to recommend to any one, so I changed. Let’s see if I could commit to writing more
often. I have always enjoyed writing
down my thoughts and experiences. Of course, that often involved a notebook and
a pen. (Remember them? Back in my school
days, 1994, that was all we used.) Now
they are fancy tools we use when we want to make someone feel special, for
“personal” notes. However, thanks to
technology and my dear co-worker, Steve, I found a new place to write and
share…the web. It is not as personal and private, but I think in this age of
“Sex in the City” and “Along Came Polly” there is not much you can classified
as private.
Anyway,
this morning I finally felt good after a whole week of mood swings, cookie
inhaling, and carb cravings. I don’t know what was
going on, but for the last four days I just couldn’t stop eating. As a result I was extremely tired and grumpy.
So
yesterday I decided that it was all
the junk I was eating and I just stop. I
came back to my low carbs ways, exercised, and I now feel better. I feel
lighter and with more energy. If I would just stick to my diet I would loose
all this excess weight I am carrying.
I
am in the Atkins diet. I have been for
the last four plus months. Well, on and off. (more on than off) I tell you,
this diet is wonderful. You
could loose up to one pound a day. It does work, if
you stick to it. If you cheat, once your
system is clean, you’ll feel it immediately.
You’ll feel tired until your body gets back to normal, which usually
takes 48 hours. (At least) My husband already lost 10 lbs in the two weeks he
has been on it. He is really strong and
persistent. Like I used to be four
months ago when I started. The key to
this diet is that even after you clean yourself of these “bad” carbs, in your
mind you still want to eat that piece of cake.
Or drink that orange flavor soda.
And let us not talk about the fact that most fruits are off limit. And I love fruits.
So
I began a search for a middle ground after falling and getting back up again.
(13 times to be exact) I visited many diet sites and stopped at the Zone diet
one. (Which is by the way is very famous because of my friend Jennifer Aniston,
the luckiest woman on the planet as I dearly call her) The Zone diet is very similar to the Atkins
and The South Beach diet in that you need to eliminate “bad” carbs, consume
more lean protein and vegetables in order to achieve a healthy and lean body. -
By the way, I would like to clarify that the